You were gone…
I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I looked down at my stomach and instantly felt sick. There was a dead fetus inside my body. I just called you a, “dead fetus” instead of, “my baby.” I felt cold-hearted and morbid.
I wasn’t ready to leave the parking lot yet and my hands were still aching from beating the steering wheel. I couldn’t decide if I was angry or sad, but one thing was for sure, I was still alone. Nobody knew except for me and the doctor’s office I just ran out of. How was I supposed to tell Jarrett this? I ran different scenarios in my head and rehearsed them before calling. It was time to call him.
Jarrett answered within two rings. I could tell he was excited to hear about the “routine” visit. “Hey baby, how did it go?” I instantly couldn’t breathe, I felt my heart in my throat and all the scenarios I had rehearsed went out the window. How…how can I tell him he is no longer a father.
My voice was shaky, “we lost it.”
Those three words make no sense. “We lost it.” It wasn’t a set of fucking car keys, this was a human life growing inside of me! God, I was angry!
Jarrett’s voice was shaky when he asked me, what happened?
I wish I knew what happened. I wish I could have told him why he wasn’t going to be a dad anymore.
I don’t remember much of the drive home that day and honestly couldn’t tell you if I took the interstate or back roads from Charlotte to Conover. I was in a fog and the “I’m sorry” would NOT stop echoing in my mind. I do remember pulling into the driveway and seeing Jarrett waiting in the carport for me, my loving husband that I had failed to make a father. My bottom lip started to quiver, and my face was getting hot; I couldn’t get out of that car quick enough. I saw the pain in Jarrett’s eyes as he walked over to wrap his arms around me. I put my arms around his neck and my knees instantly went weak. Tears rolled down both of our faces as Jarrett managed to say,
“I should have been there with you.”
We would never be the same after this.
A few days went by when the doctor’s office called to schedule the D&C. I would only have you inside me for 4 more days after that phone call. They were going to take you away from me for good and I wish I could say I was okay with it. You would think that most people knowingly carrying around a dead fetus inside them would be ready to have it taken out. No, I wanted just a little more damn time with you, was that too much to fucking ask for?
Oh, little one, this part is so hard for me to talk about. It was the worst breakdown I had ever had and was not ready to let you go.
The doctor called in a prescription of one little pill that I was to take the night before surgery. This pill, Oral misoprostol, would start “the process” and soften my cervix. When that night came, Jarrett had to go pick it up at the pharmacy, I refused to do it. He pulled back into the driveway and as I waited at the door for him, my heart started to pound. I could feel myself about to have a panic attack. He walked through the door and laid the white bag on the kitchen counter.
I made it so hard for him, little one. You could see the hurt in his eyes. He didn’t want to make me do this, but he knew he had to.
He removed the bottle from the bag and grabbed my hand to pour the pill in my palm.
“NO!” I jerked my hand away and dropped to my knees begging him, “please don’t make me do this! I’m not ready! I don’t want to let go yet! Please don’t make me let go! I love you, please don’t! It’s not fair! I only had it for seven weeks! Seven fucking weeks is not long enough!” I was sobbing as I wrapped my arms around his legs. He pulled away and squatted down beside me, “You have to do this.” I looked at his face which was so hard to see through the tears; he was trying to be so strong for me. “I failed you, Jarrett. I fucking failed you! How can you even look at me right now? I hate who I am!” He kissed me on top of the head and rocked me back and forth, “You didn’t fail me. You could never fail me.”
We sat in the middle of the kitchen floor, alone, holding each other as I placed the pill on my tongue and swallowed. That would be the hardest pill I would ever have to swallow in my life.
These were my final hours with you, little one.
That night was agony and I didn’t sleep at all due to the contractions. I cried, tossed and turned while Jarrett tried to help me relax.
The next morning, contractions had subsided a little and we got ready for our final drive to REACH in Charlotte. I don’t remember the drive there; I was in a fog again. We pulled into the parking lot and Jarrett reached for my hand as we walked through the doors. I hated this place, I grew cold and angry at it. There were no others in the waiting room with us. We were alone, again, always alone now.
They called our names and we headed back to a little room with only a curtain, gurney and a padded chair in the corner. On the gurney was a gown, a pair of socks and a hair net.
I stripped down and began putting on my surgery attire. I laid down on the gurney and turned to look at Jarrett smiling at me. We didn’t do a lot of talking that morning, but we didn’t have to. He reached over for my hand and squeezed it, “I love you.” My lip quivered, “I love you too.” The nurse came to wheel me to the operating room and our hands slowly pulled apart just like in the movies, “I’ll be right here waiting for you, baby.” I nodded as the tears rolled down either side of my face.
We rolled into the operating room and the anesthesiologist was there waiting for us.
This was happening. I was about to lose you, little one. Once she puts me under, you were going to be gone forever. She looked over at me smiling, “I like your nail polish color.”
“Thank you,” I slurred.
This was it.
Good-bye, little one.
I love you so much and always will.
My eyes slowly opened, and I was unsure of where I was at first. I turned my head to see Jarrett sitting on the padded chair looking down at his phone, I was back in my little curtained room. He didn’t see that I was awake, so I just starred at him for a minute. I felt so distant from him and his face had become different to me. He looked up and smiled at me, “Hey sleepy head, how are you feeling?” I moved my legs to get more comfortable and felt the blood pour from my body. Jarrett stood up to help me, “the nurse said try not to move right away.” I pulled my arm away from him and snapped, “I’m fine! I got it.”
The nurse came in to release us and I was more than ready to get out of there. Jarrett helped me out to the car and put me in the passenger seat. He got in the car and looked over at me as he reached for my hand, “are you okay?” I slid my hand away from his, I didn’t recognize his face, “I’m fine.”
I gazed out the windshield and felt so empty. There were no feelings, just numbness.
We were about to tread into very dark waters.